no symptoms...

So I am suppose to be 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant today.... but I am really nervous because I really haven't been having any symptoms. My boobs are HUGE (which my husband is loving since I was originally barely a B)... Occasionally I have food aversions or I think I might be a little nauseated- but feels so inconsistent I think its just in my head. I dunno. Our next ultrasound isn't until Friday and I am just stressing myself out. I just want to feel pregnant- besides just feeling fat!

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Ultrasound

So... I guess I am 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant today. Its been a week since I posted. All I've been doing is working. Twelve hour shifts are kicking my butt... and when I haven't been working- I have been stressing... stressing about the ultasound... worried they weren't going to see anything....

I have been nervous. I haven't really felt "different." Cramps/pooch pressure every now and then. Being tired- but then again I am always tired (icu nurse and twelve hour shifts), and occasionally certain food aversions-- but I feel like it is so far and in between that it might just be in my head!

Yesterday I got a horrible migraine- and still woke up with it this morning. After the ultasound I ended up sleeping all day- this stupid headache just won't go away! Sucks all I can take is tylenol!!!

Now- the ultrasound... (I know- save the most important part for the end)... we were able to see our little baby right away and the doctor pointed out the yolk sac. But that's all we could see. The doctor and nurse said everything looked perfect. I just wish we could have seen a heartbeat- but I know its early. Next ultrasound is next Friday! Keep praying!!!!

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Beta #3

At 19dpo (or 16dpt3dt) my third and final beta was 971 - for a doubling time of 42hrs.  I am still paranoid this is low or not a quick enough doubling time, even though all websites I read say a normal doubling time is every 48-72hrs.  I need to stop googling blogs and different forums!  Everyone is different... so I need to stop comparing!  It is just stressing me out!  Anywho- ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesday... this is going to be a LONG week!

My mom is soo funny.  Her and I are super close.  She has come in for at least one part of each IVF process (after the first one, she came in for the transfer, and after this one she came in after my retrieval - since my hubby couldn't really take off work afterwards).  She knows everything - and I pretty much talk to her on a daily basis.  She was the second (and only) person I told after my first positive pregnancy test.  After talking to my husband about the results of my betas, I always call my mom next.  Today I was talking with her- telling her my concerns about my numbers.  She started reading off all these blogs about ladies who have similar numbers to what I have had who have gone on to have healthy pregnancies, and even twins!  She told me today that she is officially addicted to reading infertility blogs- and that is pretty much all she has been doing everyday for the past week!  I told her, I know exactly how it is - because I was there too- especially after we were diagnosed and told IVF was our only hope!  I just hope she doesn't accidentally come across my blog! :)

Here is a pic of me and my mom...

People say we look like sisters/twins... she has always loved that! :)

The Two Week Wait is OVER!

I have been meaning to post earlier, but I just couldn't.  I was nervous, scared, excited, but was scared... scared to say anything or get excited or anything - because I was scared it would end.

8dp3dt...
Horrible cramping and pressure in the "pooch" over last couple days.  I just felt... "off."  Today would have been the first day I could have had a positive pregnancy test so I did it.  I told the hubby I wouldn't, but I couldn't hold out any longer.... faint positive.  VERY faint.  But I had never seen anything that close to a positive in my whole life, so WTF?  I started crying, thanking God.  I knew this was from Him.  I took a picture of it and sent it to my husband.  I called him right afterwards- he was busy at work so he wasn't happy that I was calling him.  As he was telling me he didn't have time to check his email, we lost connection.  He called back two minutes later and was like... I don't get it. The picture wasn't good quality, so it was hard to see the faint line.  He was kinda upset, that I tested, and said he wasn't going to get too excited until the blood test.  I agreed, trying not to get too excited.  I knew the possiblity of things ending were high.

9dp3dt
Continued pressure and cramping in the pooch area.  It is also sticking out and I can't suck it in.  I took my last first response test in the morning, and it was definitely darker than the day before.  I was excited, but still didn't believe it.  My husband and I didn't even talk about it - I think because we were both so scared that it would end.  My POAS obsession had started though- I went out and bought more tests (ept test were the cheapest- so I went with those).

10dp3dt
I took an EPT in the morning- it was the one witht he +/- sign.  It was so faint that I felt like I was imagining the plus sign.  I had to go to work that morning and the whole 12hr shift sucked.  I was miserable and kept thinking it was over.  Chemical pregnancy.  I continued to have cramping and pressure, but developed a more severe pain on my right side.  It was really bad when my bladder was full (and especially after I peed) and sometimes when I moved too quickly.  I also hadn't done #2 in a few, so I was miserable.  I told my husband that I thought I wasn't pregnant anymore.  He got upset with me for being so negative... On my way home I picked up the first response tests again and took it as soon as I got home from work.  Definitely two lines.  Showed the hubby and promised I would try to be more optimistic.

11dpt3dt
Tested again- two lines.  Not feeling any different except a lot of pressure/cramping in the pooch.  Sometimes I feel like I have certain food aversions, but I don't know if it is just in my head.  The thought of cereal for breakfast the last few days has not been exciting, so I have driven to Chik-fil-a for breakfast.  I dunno...  Getting a little more excited, but trying not to... Unfortunantly kept thinking about chemical and ectopic pregnancies...

12dpt3dt -- Beta Day
I didn't get any sleep the night before.  I woke up at 3am and couldn't fall back asleep.  I was so stressed out.  I was worried the number was going to be too low, it wasn't going to double... worried I was having an ectopic pregnancy... I was so stressed out, I was making myself sick.  I took another test in the morning and couldn't tell if it was darker than the last or not.... more stress.  At 7- we finally left and got to the doctor - 45min away.  So, the nurse ends up telling me that they don't do those tests on the weekend.  I was like, why did you schedule my for the weekend then?  She said she didn't know, but that they don't do tests.  I was really upset- I told her that no one called me, I drove 45min on a SATURDAY morning for this test, and if they didn't run the test, thenI would take a lab form to the hospital where I work (down the street) and get them to draw the test for me.  She was like, fine, handed my my lab slip and said they would go ahead and draw it as an "emergency test."  What kind of lab doesn't run HCG on a weekend- I dunno...

afterwards- my husband went car shopping.  Our car was officially totalled on Thursday by the insurrance company and we have to give our rental back soon, so Saturday was pretty much our only day.

A few ours later- the nurse called with the results.  201... our beta was 201.  We were officially pregnant.  We still have to go for a test on Monday and Wednesday to make sure it doubles....

I AM SCARED TO DEATH IT ISN'T GOING TO DOUBLE.... I know this is in God's hands, and whatever happens is part of his plan, but I keep praying that this is really happening and we get to meet our little baby in 9months. 

Soooo... not getting too excited yet, but praying and keeping my fingers crossed!

I hope everyone else had a good weekend!

5dp3dt... ugh

So- after our transfer, I was hopeful.  We had one perfect 8-cell and one perfect 7-cell. 

But now, five days into my two week wait- it is getting really difficult for me to stay so optimistic.  I have been having a ton of pressure/fullness/cramping in the pooch area since the day after transfer (so I know it can't be related to implantation).  I know this can be a result of  the endom.etrium, but who knows.  I'm just feeling more depressed about the whole cycle now -- and totally stressing about it (which could be one reason why my stomach feels like that as well).  I want this to work so bad.  I wish there was a sign or something I could do to make sure this works, but there isn't. 

I have been taking it easy since transfer, but today is my first day back at work. I don't think it is good to be moving around and lifting ICU patients, but who knows.  I can't take off more work than I already have!

Ugh.  I am sorry I haven't been commenting much on everyone's blogs.  I've been trying to keep my distance a little big from blogger since I was comparing every single person's successful and unsuccessful cycle to mine- which just wasn't helping on the stress level.

One week til beta. 

Also- the car people called to let us know that our car was almost at the cut off of being totalled (basically the cost has to be 75% or more than what the car is worth and ours is a little more than 90% of that 75%-- I have no idea if that actually makes sense).  Hubby and I test drove some crossovers the other day after church.  I'm kind of liking the Che.vy Equin.ox.  We'll find out this week if the insurrance will just decide to total the car or repair it.  Just one more thing, right?

And because I'm obsessed with my dog- here is a picture of her with a dog statue down in DC at the FDR Memorial...

PUPO with Twins!

Docs really didn't want to transfer three, so we did two - one 8-cell grade 4 and one 7-cell grade three/four. On bedrest the rest of the day. We still have two growing- one >8 cell which may be growing a little too fast and one six cell grade 3. We'll see if they keep growing! Fingers crossed!

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY EVERYONE!

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finally catching a break?

So- hadn't updated in a few days. I spent the day after retrieval throwing up for 24 hours (despite zofran) and then spent the rest of the time sulking and deppressed...

Friday was my retrieval. The procedure itself went fine, but woke up in so much pain. I didn't have any pain after the last one... so this was new. I figured they must of had tons eggs retrieved for this amount of pain... but no. Only six. Six eggs. I was devestated. No one could offer any explanation of why I could have so many good follicles- but hardly any eggs... with our crappy sperm and success last time- I was doubtful for good fertilization reports.

The next day (yesterday) the nurse called with our fertilization reports. I was prepared for none- but we got three. Two two-cell and one a little farther behind. I was so upset. I was talking to the nurse trying to figure out what went wrong. I was like I am 27- and as far as you all could diagnose- nothing is wrong with me. There is no reason that I should only have six eggs. I was also upset- because I felt like when we suggested canceling the cycle with my drop in estrogen - the MDs just kind of blew me off and said everything would be fine. The nurse asked if I wanted the doc to call me- I said it wouldn't change anything so she didn't have to.

The doc called me back a little later. She was nice enough. Said things I already knew. I told her that since we only had three embryos I wanted to do a three day transfer and put all three back. She said that we could do a three day transfer if we wanted, but she wouldn't suggest putting three back since triplets do carry their own risks. I asked to just play it by ear with how they progressed and she agreed.

Today the doctor called me (suprised) and said good news! One of the embryos that they didn't think fertilized - had and had caught up to a four-cell (where it is suppose to be). We had two five-cells and one three-cell. She said that now that we had four- all good quality embryos- she said we could go back to a five day transfer if we wanted - or we could still do three days. Based on the quality - she wouldn't transfer three embryos though.

So here we are. Planning for transfer tomorrow. May still insist that we transfer three since I don't think any others will make it to freeze. We'll see what the doctors say and look at the quality tomorrow. Please continue prayers for us and I hope everyone has a wonderful Fourth of July! I will be pupo and on bedrest- but I wouldn't change it. Happy that with all the bumps we've had this week that we've made it this far!

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i guess we are still a go...

So I went to the doctor today for another ultrasound in blood work. My husband was nice enough to work from home today and go with me since we only have one car now. We were both really concerned that because of the drop in the estrogen that we would have the same outcome as we did last time. The doctors didn't seem to understand our concerns and kept saying everything looks, fine everything looks fine. I was like, everything looked fine last time but the drop in estrogen left us with bad egg quality. The doctor looked over all my labs and said that the last blood work showed my lh dropped which would explain my drop in estrogen. He said this is not an egg quality issue. So on that note, we are a go for trigger tonight. When I did get a home I google to decrease in lh during ivf. I did not find much but what I did find was not encouraging. Oh well it's just another 15,000 dollars right??? ( For some reason I am not quite sure the doctors are ever going to understand how much money time and emotions we put in today- not to mention the physical part)

Thanks everyone for your kind comments and support over the last few days. I am sorry I haven't been commenting much but I have been super stressed out with the car accident, dealing with insurances, trying to get a rental, taking my car to the shop, and about to go for retrieval. I told my husband that maybe the car was wrecked for a reason ( we are waiting to see if it is completely totaled or not)- it's a sign we needed to get a new car before the babies come!

I tried to include a picture of us from the weekend- I am doing this from my phone so I have no idea if it will turn out. I hope everyone is having a good day!

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Not Again...

So doctor appointment this morning showed lots of follicles- probably between 20-30.  The doctor said, "you have a nice little crop growing here."  Seriously?  You are going to call my ovaries/eggs a crop!?  Whatever.  She said the accident shouldn't have affected anything during IVF.  I didn't want to get into my theory of stress causing early ovulation or anything like that... so I left it at that.

Then they call with my results.  My E2 dropped this time around too.  Granted it is not as big of a drop as the last time (1050 to 600 or something).  This time it just dropped by 100.  The nurse said they have no idea why it dropped, but she said that everyone's labs looked a "little low" today.  They are increasing my meds and having me go back to the doctor on Wednesday.

I really just don't know if I want to go through it again.  This is our last shot on this insurrance (with this clinic) and then we won't be able to try again until everything gets settled with my husband's insurrance.  Last time my drop in E2 left me with 12 crappy eggs out of 40+ follicles and a BFN.  If this is going to leave me with crappy eggs again- then I want to stop now and try again in a month!  I just don't think we would know about egg quality until retreival for sure- but then we wouldn't have any insurrance money left.  I don't know what to do.  So stressed.

seriously!?

Sooo.. awesome weekend. I had all these pics I was going to post and everything. Couldn't wait. As we were coming home from DC we were rear-ended on the Capital Beltway ( sorry if you were stuck in traffic from it-cuz it caused a mess ). Hubby, me, and puppy are ok. My car- not so much. It's totaled.

I am really worried that this could mess up our IVF. WE were suppose to go to retrieval Wednesday or Thursday. Do any of you know anything about canceling IVF after something like this? Could it cause me to ovulate or anything? Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Doctor appointment tomorrow AM.

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Lucky Cookies?

Today is cycle day seven of our second attempt at IVF.  REALLY REALLY hoping that it goes so much better than our first!  I feel like I am having more symptoms this round then the last, even though I'm on a smaller amount of meds.  I compltely had a meltdown at work on Sunday- crying and everything- just because I felt a little overwhelmed.  So embarassed afterwards.  I have had more stomach/ovary pain this time around too.  The last two days I have been hungry, but not hungry.  Its like I want to eat, but nothing sounds good!

Anyways.  That brings me to last night.  Last night, since I couldn't figure out what I wanted and nothing sounded good, my husband got some Chinese.  Cuz that is the go to food when you aren't hungry and just not feeling good, right? :)  (Oh well, he tried!).  In our bag of chinese food was this:



Twin Fortune Cookies

 They were like fortune cookie twins - in one package.  Of course- since I'm all hormonal and looking to anything and everything to give me luck this cycle- I thought it was a sign!  I just knew it was going to tell me some sort of good fortune on how I was going to get pregnant (with twins!) or something like that.  Cracked them both open... and as it turns out they were just two fortune cookies.  Nothing special.  No exciting fortune.  I think one of them said don't lend your friends money (well, duh) and the second was many exciting parties to come your way or something.  I tried to read into that (baby showers??), but nah.  I'm going to a birthday party for my husband's side of the family this weekend... maybe that is what it meant.  Oh well.  The mind of an infertile woman... whactcha gonna do?  I think we all try to find signs from the universe- something that will say- you aren't donig this for nothing!  It will all be worth it!  You will one day be a mom!!  I just want my two lines. That's all.  That is not too much to ask for right?

June ICLW!

Hello, if this is the first time stopping by!

My hubby and I are currently going through our second round of IVF.  We were diagnosed at the beginning of this year with severe male factor infertility.  Only option of conceiving is through IVF + ICSI, and even with that, I'm not sure how good our chances are.  Our first round of IVF was a fail.  After stimming too fast- I had between 40-50 follicles- they backed off on all my meds and two days before my retrieval, my estrogen fell really low.  They were able to get it back up with my hcg shot (trigger shot), but they were only able to retrieve 12 poor quality eggs.  Crappy eggs + really really crappy sperm = poor quality embryos which turn into a BFN.  I am not a HUGE fan of my current RE office.  I felt like they really downplayed the fact that my estrogen dropped real low, they almost had to cancel my cycle, and I had really poor quality eggs (not to mention only 12 eggs out of 50 follicles) and completely blamed the failed cycle on our MFI.  I'm not a doctor or a specialist of any kind, but from what I have read, egg quality is more of a factor of embryo quality then sperm quality-- especially when you are doing ICSI... so here we go again! 

Today was cycle day five (I think? I get all confused!) and my first appointment after starting stims last Friday.  Everything looked good.  I'm on a lot lower dose of medicine this time around and the name of the game is slow and steady. Let's hope it keeps going this way.  I think we are looking at around the Fourth of July for our retrieval.

Also, if you are new to the blog- I absolutely love taking and posting pictures (especially of our puppy Sidney).  Yesterday we went on a five mile walk (since no more real exercise during stims!) and these are some pics from our walk!

This is our baby Sidney.  She is an almost two year old yellow (or strawberry blonde as I call her) lab that we rescued from Lab Rescue of the Mid Atlantic.  We love her more than anything. 

 Posing for the camera.  We were coming up on mile four here... so she was getting a little hot.



The lily pads in the water.  This is good as you can get with a phone camera! 

The lake where we go running.  It has a 2.5mile path that goes around it, so I come here often for runs.  It is just so quiet and beautiful here... doesn't even feel like you are in Maryland!

Good To Go!

So everything looked good on the ultrasound this morning and all lab values came back perfect.... so why do I feel so apprehensive towards this cycle? I think I am just depressed because I know if this one fails (which I feel like there is a good chance it will)-- I will have to wait until next year before trying anything again. Ugh! Will I ever become pregnant?

So tell me this ladies... has anyone ever felt so "blah" about their next cycle after a failed one?

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Here We Go Again...

Wow... I can't believe it has been so long since I have posted.  I keep thinking of posts I want to write, but just haven't really found the energy to make it down to the basement where we keep our computer and turn it on!  Plus, I feel like I've been busy with work and other things.  But anyways... Surprisingly, AF showed up this morning.  A week early (well for me- since my cycles are usually about 36-38 days).  The closer and closer we had been getting to starting this cycle the more nervous I had been getting.  I don't know why I am so much more apprehensive about this cycle then the last.  I even called my husband at work asking him if he wanted to postpone it a month.  In the end, I decided to proceed- called my RE and scheduled my first appointment for tomorrow morning.  If its going to be negative- then I don't think it matters how long we wait- so we may as well get it over with so I can start moving on with my next plans (changing insurances, switching RE's, hubby getting a varicocele repair, traveling, etc).  I feel like it is amazing how many things we put on hold while trying to have a baby.  It is almost like life is on hold.  I truly believe that God has a plan for me (us) and this is part of his plan.  I have no idea why this is the path he has chosen for me, but I believe that I am on this journey for a reason.  I don't know if this will end with our biological child(ren), adopted children, or childless.  I feel like I could accept this so much easier if I understood why (and if I knew what the outcome was going to be!), but that is just not the way He works.  I have been wanting to write a post along those lines for sometime now, but still haven't been able to formulate the right words... so I guess that is just a little preview of what is to come (someday)....

Besides working, we traveled to the lake last weekend with two of our best couple friends (also in our small group at church).  One of the girl's parents  own a lake house, so it was tons of fun (and free!).  Even though it was rainy most of the days- we still had a TON of fun just hanging out with each other and just "getting away."  Here are some pictures of this past weekend.  They were all taken with my phone- so not the best pictures- but I have been too lazy to upload the camera pics yet!

 Of Course no trip is complete without finding a Sonic in the middle of nowhere!  Gotta have my Lemon-Berry Slushes!  There isn't a Sonic near us, so whenever we pass one, I HAVE to stop and take advantage of it- with a Route 44 slush!  Who knows when I'll be able to find one again!

 The first day at the lake!  Absolutely beautiful!

 Another view of the lake on the first day we got there!  (The only day it was sunny- but we still had a blast!)

 Wouldn't be complete without a little bit of cornhole.  My dad made these sets for Joe and I.  One is painted all Tennessee (for me) and the other one is painted a Marist "Red Fox" theme (for Joe).  I always have to explain that one to everyone.  I don't think anyone has ever seen Marist cornhole.  :)  (Tennessee always wins of course!)  If you ever go down to Game Day in Knoxville, your tailgate is not complete without a set of Orange and White Cornhole.

Fog rolling in over the lake after a day of storms... (and the girls kicking some boy butts at CatchPhrase).